resolution of a lighter heart.

The 2000’s were a weird decade, hey? It’s strange to think I was in third grade when this ‘new millennium’ rolled up. I think my expectations were probably more along the lines of flying cars and robot assistants than 9/11, swine flu, twitter and facebook, but what are you gonna do? This last decade may not go down as an wonderful one, but it hasn’t been without it’s silver linings. However, I was too busy being an adolescent to see most of them, so all I can hope for is a clearer head with which to summarize these next ten years, come december 30th, 2019.

In the words of jamie tworkowski, “2010 has never happened before”. At this, my apprehension/nerves/worry about the next year faces gets tackled by the simple hope found in those words. To be honest, I’ve been stuck in one of those moments where you realize that things are going stupid-fast and the only thing not moving is you. Or something. I don’t know. It’s just been messy. And I’ve felt despair and dread creep in, even in regards to things that should bring me joy. The transparency that I’ve been straining towards has clashed with this new and large temptation to become reclusive and guarded and shut-off. But 2010 has never happened before, and my prayer is that it will be full of victory that’s never happened before either.

Strangely enough, after I head back to Kaleo tomorrow, I won’t be coming back to this house again. My family will be moving in about a month, so I’ve spent all night tonight going through boxes and throwing things out. One thing I found was a letter I had to write to myself back at the start of grade 10 for planning class, and I couldn’t read it all. While the large majority of the content could not be less relevant to me right now, the first two lines succinctly (and hearbreakingly) made clear that while for the most part it was a letter from a different person to a different person, there are some things that from that day never loosened their grip on me, and it wasn’t until this year that I really began to fight against footholds. I’m really hoping that 2010 will see me surrendering whatever I have to, tackling whatever I have to, to see victory in these things, to see the saint resurrected from within the wretch... To “forget and not slow down.”

“Peace be with you,”

Hope be with you.

Matthew.

merry Christmas, here's to many more.

And so this Christmas, I'll compare the things I felt in prior years
to what this midnight made so clear - that You have come to meet me here.

To look back and think that this baby would one day save me
In the hope that what You did,
That you were born so I might live
To look back and think that this baby would one day save me

And I, I celebrate the day that You were born to die so I could one day pray for You to save my life.

“I Celebrate the Day” by Relient K

i'm aiming for home.

“What are you waiting for? The day is gone.”
I said, “I’m waiting for dawn.”
“What are you aiming for, out here alone?”
I said, “I’m aiming for Home.”

Holding on, holding on with red eyes.
What are you looking for, with red eyes?

All of my days are spent within this skin,
Within this cage that I’m in.
Nowhere feels safe to me, nowhere feels home;
Even in crowds, I’m alone.

Every now and then I see you dreaming,
every now and then I see you cry.
Every now and then I see you reaching,
reaching for the other side.
What are you waiting for?

(In this needle and haystack life, I found miracles there in Your eyes.
We are once in a lifetime.)

    - Switchfoot, “Red Eyes”

surrender, heal, change, submit, open, remain, live, move, see, calm... breathe.

the song "breathe" by anberlin has quickly become my prayer for this year, and for my life. i first heard it back after we hiked mount albert-edwards, and it talked of freedom and surrender and hope and i didn't connect with it, probably because i wasn't feeling those things on that trip, or in the time following. but i've been feeling them now, tasting them now. the part of me that has yet to feel this, that still feels stuck, is restless and would greatly appreciate your prayers. things for me aren't quite as resolved as they are for whoever wrote this song, but i've been glimpsing resolution and desire it with everything i've got in me. please be praying for these things, for this freedom and surrender, that the civil war in my heart would be replaced with peace, and that true revolution could occur. above all, that i wouldn't be hiding things anymore (i've gotten so much better at this lately, but it's an awkward and uncomfortable thing and before i know it i'm varying back and forth from transparent to guarded again), and that i could breathe and find such freedom in Him. maybe these blogs have gotten more personal lately but maybe that's part of not hiding things anymore.

this is surrender to a war-torn life i've lived. scars and stripes, forever in need of change i can't resist.

no need to hide anything anymore; can't return to who i was before.

i can finally breathe, suddenly alive. i can finally move, the world feels revived.

this long of a struggle finally opened up my eyes. revolution's not easy with a civil war on the inside.

no need to hide anything anymore; i can't return to who i was before.

leap.

There's one to check off the bucket list - and then do again! Bungee jumping today with Kaleo, so rad. So good. I'm loving pretty much everything going on these past few days, but maybe not looking forward to all the paper/work that needs to be done this week... and feeling really weird about the semester ending and saying goodbyes come friday. Stoked for the break and travelling and stuff, but still crazy to think it'll have been half a semester already. Father, let this time be so crucial, let us come back with new perspective and reignited enthusiasm to embrace all the opportunity you've laid before us as community and as individuals for this year

these things will CHANGE.

amidst pages filled primarily with prayers of new-found gratitude and repeated requests, something different has emerged in my journals: prayers of promise. prayers of newfound peace for current (seemingly constant) struggles, and prayers of anticipation for things yet to come. i'm celebrating things that haven't even happened yet - what a shift, from feeling hopeless and defeated to being eager and thankful for a freedom i haven't even experienced yet.

not only that, i got a tangible glimpse of that today. my mind is blown. oh man. oh man. please pray.

please, Father, keep my eyes on the freedom you set before us. thank you that you are faithful even when i am faithless. please, continue to blow my mind and lift weights i felt must permanently be burdensome, exempt from your promises for freedom. but they're not, and you are good and your promises are the only ones i can put my full trust in. please help me continue to walk in a trust of you and an awareness that you are loosening my chains. let me throw off all that hinders, and please let me see the days of freedom you've given me glimpses of, realized. be my everything, be my rescuer.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

we've got just over a week left in the semester, and things are heavy. we've had just over eleven weeks in this place so far, and things are light. it's a weird place to be in. my heart is heavy and light.

this last week, we had foundations of church ministry course with professor david ernst. i thought old testament lit had claimed the spot of top course in my books, but this one overtook it. this is actually the course i sat in on for a bit last year, though a different prof, but it still took the cake. it was such a good environment to have discussions on issues so relevant to any and all followers of Christ - and the point that we are all in full-time ministry, whether vocational or not, was the overall theme of the course. i loved it, a lot, and it continued to add to the burden God's given me for those in the emerging generation who've been hurt by people calling themselves "Christians", not even so much for the fact that they've been hurt by the church but just for the fact that i'm realizing more and more how hurt this world is, how hurt this generation is, and how desperate a need there is for Truth to be spoken into these situations, to be fought for in these hearts. at times it seems like such an uphill battle, but it is one that needs to be fought. as this is all going on, i keep coming back to the idea of interning with twloha next summer, and getting so eager and so stoked on it. i really think that could be where i'm called to be next summer, and while i don't know what that will mean for school in the fall, i don't know that i can pass up this opportunity. this isn't exactly connected to the course this past week, but certainly related to the whole topic of the emerging generation and meeting people where they're at.

this week was also my last week at st. andrews for the semester. i'm going to be honest, i've been really frustrated going there each week. i had so much anticipation for being involved in the youth group at the start of the semester, and i think i figured i'd just click in and that it would come easily. it hasn't. i'd go each week and feel more and more frustrated with the lack of connections i was making with the youth, etcetera... but things are changing! it actually started with a letter from my good friend tessa that encouraged me enormously about all of this, and convicted me as well to be praying a lot more about all of this, and praying for God to do big things in the church, specifically the youth. and he is! i don't know how much is appropriate to write in a blog when it comes to stuff with kids at youth, but God's at work, bringing walls down. i'm so excited for what's to come.

now, as for that heart of mine. i'm not sure what's up guys. so much is going on at once... i'll start with the rad stuff. we've got the canadian youth worker's convention tomorrow in vancouver, and i'm so stoked. we've been looking ahead to christmas break and talking about what we can do to support one another, to look out for one another and to be praying for one another, and i think there's going to be some big (and different) type of growth going on during that time. and i'm going to ontario for christmas break! i'm going to be couch-surfing the toronto area (i think - i don't know any ontario geography) with fellow kaleos ... so stoked! it's gonna be sick. i'm stoked for continued bonding over the next few weeks and over christmas break.

now for the heavy... first and foremost, i would like to ask for prayer for my grandfather, who was just diagnosed with cancer. he's one of the most incredible people i know, and i love him so much - i can't really grasp this. please just pray for healing, and that God would work through this in ways that i couldn't be bold enough to ask for. i suppose all the heavy stuff can be surmised with that request: that in situations that i can't understand or in struggles i feel hopeless in, to pray for things bigger than i can fathom, to dream bigger things than i know how to dream. i've realized lately that my hope is so limited, so slight compared to the hope that He offers, and i'm just hoping and praying that my unbelief or my inadequacy in boldly requesting big things will in no way limit what he does, that he would - in an act of grace - blow my mind and set me free.

if grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.

what a week it's been. i started out the week in eager anticipation for all that God would do in our group during this week of 24/7 prayer, and was blown away. i don't think i have any idea beyond a small glimpse of the things that have happened in the prayer room this week, and the things resulting from all of our time spent there.

i continued to cherish the hour-long slots i'd get in the room, some spent in solitude and some spent with others. the times varied as far as focus of prayer and overall experience went, but it was always valuable. the walls quickly became plastered with prayers, pleas and praises. as the week progressed they became more and more covered, in hurt and hope and incredible, heartfelt responses to both... there was some serious work being done in the hearts of all of us... a new level of transparency and vulnerability being brought to the group.

as i saw the prayers and questions and read people's encouragement displayed for the group to see, and as more and more incredible conversations happened, i realized that we're all starting to be united in our dream for this group - or rather, God's bringing us together with the glimpses we're getting of His dream for us. i can't even explain it, but spending time with God every day in a room full of photographs of the people we're sharing this year with gave all of us a renewed desire to dive deeper with these people, to abandon everything holding us back from striving toward God's best for us this year, to get to know each other on a whole new level and boldly love each other in ways we've perhaps been afraid to - or at least, i had been.

and something really awesome happened: i shared my story! i wouldn't have thought it would take me so long but it was incredible. as frustrated as i'd gotten recently at having not shared yet, i've realized the timing was right to do it this week; as well as being able to explain significant occurrences in the prayer room, this week saw bria and tim share their stories as well... i think all three of us were pretty reluctant/anxious towards sharing, but it was time and it was sweet and God is good. i love the change there's been since i shared; i walk around feeling known, conversation seems far less restricted, and there's such a shift in my dynamic with people. it's great.

a verse that my good friend james gave to me following my testimony was Galatians 5:1 - "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." this verse has proved to be a real encouragement as well as a challenge, one i'm grappling with a lot and praying on. there are so many areas of my life lacking freedom, where i have consciously and tangibly separated myself, for years, from "the free kids". but God, my Father and my Rescuer, set me free so that i could be free. i knew this year the chained ways in which i still live would be challenged, and i'm ready to ask for help for the first time, and to fight this and pray through it and surrender it all to God, and be set free.

on the ministry side of things, i had my first "QFX" session this week, which is where we work alongside a qwanoes staff member for our camp ministry course. i'm working with michael down, whom i served alongside on the qwanoes staff team for the last three summers and who is now serving as follow-up coordinator. tim, nicole and myself were given insight and influence on projects in development to help with follow-up between summer camp counsellors and their campers. it's a part of the ministry that's really important and needing attention, i think, and michael's got a rad heart for it, so it was a good time for sure.

as for church, if you could please be praying as to my role on sundays goes? at this point, jessica, nick and myself have been sitting in on the services, but i know that jessica and i have been wondering if perhaps we'd be suited for the sunday school ministry. we'd talked to kevin, the youth pastor, about it (sunday school is all the way up until grade 12 at st. andrews), and kind of let the idea fall by the wayside, but i kept running into these two boys at church on sunday, and they seemed so stoked to be have an older guy taking interest in them, and while the conversation was so basic and so surface-level it got me really excited to see God at work, and i couldn't even really see how he was working. so if you could pray that it would be clear to me/us if we should be getting involved in the sunday school ministry and all that, that would be sweet.

another major prayer request is for the totality of our family here. this past week brought a lot of hurt to the surface, a lot of it from peoples' pasts but some of it in the present, and prayers for healing would be incredible. there are a couple of people who are unsure whether or not they're coming back for second semester, and the rest of us are heartbroken at the thought of being any less than 28 in number. please just pray that they'd be back here next semester, that the things jeopardizing that - a variety of obstacles both personal and health-wise - would be removed, and we'd be blessed with another semester spent with them. honestly, i cannot imagine coming back an incomplete group, and the thought is giving me a lot of unrest. please pray!

also, i'm overdue on two assignments. neither are exceptionally difficult, and i've got one of them almost completed, but there's been a lot of stuff going on that's called for attention, academic, spiritual and interpersonal... please just pray that in the midst of the course we're doing now (foundations of church ministry - i love it. so much. it's fantastic.), that i can get them in by this sunday. i haven't had a late assignment yet, but these two kind of sat untouched while my old testament lit paper took up most of last week.

i appreciate your prayers and your encouragement. peace be with you,

matthew.

i realize just how beautiful you are, and how great your affections are for me.

oh man, what a week this has been. o.t. lit has come and gone, and today we had our final exam. as much as i enjoyed the course, i was sick all week and don't think i retained very much because of this... so we'll see how i did on the exam.

otherwise, things have been going a million miles an hour. there's been so much going on, it's hard to process it all. this weekend was the senior high retreat for qwanoes, and i served primarily as an all-star, and was super-blessed to have so many friends from back home (and my brother! so rad) here for the weekend. a bunch of guys from the small group i led last year with my church's middle school youth group came, and it was such a blessing to see them and be reminded of all that's going on back in coquitlam. it was so cool to see God working in the connections made between campers and counsellors.

church yesterday was also a really sweet time. there was a guest speaker, a guy from the young life ministry actually, and as i sat there i got so excited for all that young life is doing and all that was being said about this generation of teens that needs to be spoken. i was also made very thankful for the things that made my adolescence atypical: the guy spoke about the longing that the majority of teenagers have to spend meaningful time with adults, and the fact that only 2-3% of a teen's time will usually be spent with adults (all these statistics raising the question of how they are supposed to learn to actually be adults)... and i became really thankful that i was blessed enough to be an exception to this trend and have an abundance of mentors pouring into me through my last two years of high school especially. it's also made me continue to chew on the idea of working with young life; i'd been entertaining the possibility earlier this fall and a bit this summer but pushed it to the side, but it's really something i'll need to pray about.

this week is the 24/7 week of prayer, and so far it's been incredible. i've had a few hours in the room (hour-long shifts, with one or two of us in there at all times) so far, and it's been incredible to see the things that are being offered up. the walls are becoming covered with transparent prayers and requests and questions and celebrations... it's so great. me and tim started 'er off yesterday, and spent a lot of time sharing things with each other, things that i think we both really benefitted from bringing to light. we shared with each other, knowing that when believers come together in his name, God shows up. it was cool.

later on yesterday, i had my first solo time in the room, which was great as well. there are portraits of each of the students lining the room, and i spent the majority of the time walking around the room, praying for each of them. it was incredibly encouraging when i realized that, with two or three exceptions, i've grown to know almost everyone enough to offer up substantial prayers for them. it was an incredible time, and i spent all day today eager for the hour me and matt were going to be in there.

i didn't really know what to expect as far as spending the hour with another person goes (me and tim were in there more to fill in the time between when our whole kaleo group met in there and when the first person on the schedule came in, so it was much less than an hour), but it was a really sweet time in which me and matt shared parts of our stories with each other, prayed for each other and for k7 in general, walking around the room and looking at the things that had been put up - broken pleas, huge encouragements, hopes for the year, and prayers that we could echo and respond to. it's mostly anonymous, and we both contributed to it ourselves, but such a good lens with which to view our group, transparent and raw and full of things to pray for, expectant. i know that for me at least, the things i've put up have ranged quite a bit in content, and i'm realizing there's an abundance of things for me to express, both thankful things and broken things, and situations or struggles that need light brought to them, hope delivered to the hopeless. i'm eager to see what comes out of this week, and honestly an hour a day doesn't seem like enough.

however, there's tonnes of other stuff that needs seeing to this week. i have one paper due tonight (midnight) that is about 75% done, a far larger one due friday that has yet to be started, then two books that must be read, one requiring a response and the other a four-page paper, two days after that. i'm starting to feel the pressure, and i'm fairly certain i did poorly on the exam today, so if you could be praying for the academic side of things as well i'd be really thankful. i'd love to know what i could be lifting up this week for you as well, as i've got no shortage of time in which to do so! so just let me know.

grace and peace be with you.

my hope's not in me at all.

immediately following mine and james' return from the packed week known as reading break, it was time to finish up the major hermeneutics paper. which meant being up until six in the a.m. banging it off. this is college, i guess.

the day following, the junior high retreat at qwanoes began, during which i served as a counsellor. i was really blessed to have three campers from my church back home in my cabin, as well as one of my campers from this summer. and! i was really blessed to be ambushed at midnight the first night (my birthday) by justin and jeremy, who led my cabin on a middle-of-the-night adventure that ended in pizza and mcdonald's and a group of kaleos and friends wishing me a happy birthday. it was so great.

and then came the morning, and i was sick as junk. i don't even know where it came from, but i spent my entire birthday sleeping essentially. not going to lie, i think it was a gift. i wasn't actually too choked; while physical circumstance wasn't ideal, my heart was still golden from the night before, aided by the large amount of great friends from church back home who were serving on the retreat as well.

and now we're starting old testament literature! today was our first day, and it was great. the prof is rad, and the lectures are really interesting. i honestly wasn't expecting to like it this much, but i'm already understanding why many former kaleos have called it their favourite course. this is sweet.

on a personal note, i think the time is soon advancing for me to share my story. it's becoming an increasing frustration and a heavier burden day-by-day; last night i got ridiculously little sleep, feeling more than heavy-hearted for the lack of things i've vocalized, for the things i've shied from or swept under the rug with this group. to be perfectly honest, this needs to change. i need these walls gone, i need to be legit. i don't know that it's ever been so hard, but i don't know that it'll ever have been more worth it. that's my way of asking for prayer, friends.

ps. it wouldn't be matthew newton's blog without a plug for whatever album just came out. hello hurricane, by switchfoot. amazing. go get it. right now.

i like to make myself believe, that planet earth turns slowly.

i decided part-way through tonight's events that i would have to blog it, but for reasons far more trivial and irrelevant than the story that ended up coming out of the night. i think God gives us stories worth telling, and then there are stories we think are worth telling and this is both; it starts as the latter but ends up being one that needs to be told, so please bear with the shallowest of it. it gets deeper.

i really love taking people on adventures, especially people who aren't from bc/vancouver/lower mainland. and so tonight, being privileged enough to have james, a k7 brother from ontario with me, i took him for an adventure.

and it was sweet. we borrowed allana's mom's lexus v8, we roof-jumped sfu, took sweet pictures and got all hopped up on adrenaline. the night was sweet, and had it ended there it would've been sweet enough.

then we decided to go to vancouver. as tomorrow will be all-homework, more or less, and the day after that we're peacing it back to kaleo, we had to be sure to go to van city, at least to see it. neither of us were tired (we slept till almost 2 p.m. today) and we were already in burnaby, so we drove downtown. we drove through hastings to get near robson, and we parked behind a silver car at shangri-la, and checked out robson, only to realize it was almost 2 a.m. and so the only thing open was mcdonald's and some coffee houses, and so after grabbing a white hot chocolate from blenz we headed back to the car. two guys were walking ahead of us to the car parked in front of us. long story short, it ended up being lucas grabeel from high school musical and smallville and a lot of other stuff. me and james are both pretty keen on hsm, so that was really sweet. didn't get to talk to him; we didn't recognize him until he was in his car and pulling away, but this all made the night sweeter.

then we went driving around trying our luck for further encounters of the hollywood kind, and ended up following trailers and film equipment trucks to the set of some disney movie they're filming in stanley park. we got some pictures with new york city yellow taxis. the night was getting even better.

we did some more random exploration before deciding to call it a night. here's the real story worth telling. in my attempts to drive down gastown rather than hastings, i ended up somewhere between the two, in an area very clearly belonging to the downtown east side. we passed a police station, and we passed a building called "victory house". the words stuck with me. victory on the downtown east side. it's needed. it's hell down there. we pulled to a crossing and got set to turn right. i saw a girl on the corner across from us, leaning against the wall. she can't have been twenty. i doubt she was even eighteen. she stared right into my eyes and smiled the most wrong, broken, inestimably haunting smile i've ever seen. i groaned, not out of annoyance or judgement but out of a sheer inability to put to words all that i felt in that instant. i turned right, kept going, and james had seen it too, had felt it too. before i could even begin to process it, i was stopping so that a man could cross the road. he was big, rougher-looking, and stared right at us. instinctively (and i hate this part right here) i locked my door, and told james to as well. he saw, he knew, and we sped out of there. a song came on the radio that i loved, but i turned it off. i began to pray, to talk and plead with and question and cried to God. there was nobody else to talk to, nobody else i could expect to put my desperation on. james was there, and james heard all of this, and there's something to be said about that, but i wouldn't have said the same things, my heart wouldn't have moved the same way, had i not been talking to God. i prayed the entire way home, and while it wouldn't be appropriate or perhaps possible to share it all with you in this way, please ask me about it. and, i suppose, this is my prayer right now.

Father,

i never want one of your daughters to think that i am coming for her in the way that girl i can only imagine was thinking i was coming for her. i never want, for one second, for anyone to think that i'm driving downtown at night to pay a girl to tolerate me thieving something of inestimable value from her. i don't want to lock my door and force an identity on someone i don't even know, to accuse them of motives that they may or may not have. i don't want to lock the doors and reinforce racial or class divides, i don't want to condescend and i don't want to add to someone brokenness like this. i want none of this. only You can save the downtown east side. only You. on the same street that victory was pronounced would You please bring victory that we cannot. keep my heart soft and breakable; it's been so hardened to all of this for far too long. let me not run from these daunting battles against lies and brokenness and drugs and poverty and homelessness. it would be a lie to run away.

" a break to read, or a break from reading ? "

friends,

so right now is reading break. i can't believe it's november already. six weeks of kaleo have flown by - and i'm eighteen in 5 days! crazy. actually, i'm currently sitting at allana's house (my former abode) with fellow k7 james, watching spider-man 3, procrastinating reading, and getting ready for a birthday dinner with friends tonight.

i already filled you guys in on our trip to ucluelet last week, and the time since then has been spent mostly completing spiritual formations work, all of which was completed and turned in yesterday. in the midst of this, we've been having chapels and such which are pretty much my favourite thing in kaleo. so much victory, God doing so much. it's been incredible.

things at youth group are always changing and always interesting - we do different things every week, and this last week was spent playing capture the flag at a farm and singing sweet worship in the barn. as it is reading break, i wasn't at sunday service at st. andrews, but managed to make it to coquitlam alliance back home for ethos, the new young adults night, to catch my good friend cameron dailly preach it. so good. the sermon and the ministry and the community; there was so much to discuss and think about far after leaving. also it was incredible to see everyone again - a lot of people i haven't seen in two to four months, which is crazy to think about but gives so much to catch up on.

contending with all the catching up will be reading, the official focus for this week. so... pray for that. there's lots of distractions. speaking of, the dinner's coming up in less than an hour so i'm gonna peace.

peace.

matthew.

ethos.

i'm ready to let this go.

i'm ready to let God be the God of the things he is the God of
and the God who gets rid of the rest.

who rescues me from the rest.

who redeems me of the rest.

indescribable.

what's better than looking back on a really sweet trip with really sweet people?

looking back on it with the new tegan and sara album in your ears. i'm only three tracks in but it seems really rad.

so we just got back from tofino, which was pretty sick. we're super blessed to be joined by four former kaleos for this week - kevin, brady (both of whom i already know quite well) and two others, jordan and rob, both of whom i met at briercrest this last february. as well as being joined by random qwanoes staff (past and present) and other friends of k7 who sat in on our chapels and spent time with us while we stayed in a church in ucluelet.

by far the highlight of the trip was the chapels. hearing josh's, mark's and james' respective stories was so great, to see all that God's done in them to bring them here, all that He's doing in them here and as well to realize what He's doing through them here, ways He's using them each to sharpen us in ways they perhaps don't even realize. i'm realizing just how big our love for eachother is growing, especially after today, hearing from the former kaleos, how our names are starting to be written on eachother's hearts. it's incredible.

so that, i suppose, is a prayer request for me; i feel as if i could share my story soon, so just that it would be the right time and God would guide my words, etc, to recklessly abandon walls and reservations and be transparent.

and a few photos (long overdue)

caving; me and james
me and bo
saltspring island with nate and jer
this guy mark began the market like 50 years ago, and gave us a ride.
the market
SALTS crew
me and claire up top
view from above
john and myself
mt albert edwards

'cause i'm having a good time.

following last weekend's thanksgiving hippie trip, jer, nate and myself returned to kaleo to find that our surf trip had been cancelled. to be completely honest, i wasn't devestated; we had so much pre-course work for hermeneutics (we had our first class today - six hours!) and i've been sick for the last two weeks, wouldn't be surfing anyways... so this was really a blessing. instead of surfing, we went caving which was pretty sick, and the guys had a rad night at jim's where we ate steak and went to a park and played grounders (a nice little revert to elementary school) and had some rad talks and stuff... and then this weekend me and tim headed out to see tessa's baptism. it was a surprise that almost got blown so many times but still managed to work out great. we stayed at allana's, which was so rad to be back at, and had a whole bunch of people over and it was so sweet to see so many people again. over the weekend i got to see a whole bunch of people who i am becoming more and more thankful for every time i see and/or think about them. it's weird... i expected a rad weekend, and i had a rad weekend, but i didn't expect to come away so stoked on everything and everyone and feeling more blissed-out than i have in a long time (the last two weeks have kind of been building this up).

however, nothing gold can stay, and today was our first day back in class. this isn't a bad thing at all... unless your head is pounding, your nose is running, your throat is full of junk and your stomach feels like it's been run over by a semi. the sickness i've been battling with advil and water and rest for the past week and a bit has struck worse than ever and i'm fighting to stay awake & composed right now. so i guess that's a prayer request! haha... that i could feel better and enjoy this week and just kill this sickness because it's fighting to rob me of the great time i'm having. 'cause, i'm having a good time.

peace be with you, miss you and hope you're well.

i'm back in vic tonight.

i'm currently sitting in my friend lauren's living room in victoria, and the four of us who are here are all on our laptops, having a blog party. this past week has been non-stop and this is pretty much the only chance i've had to sit down on the computer for any sufficient time for blogging... so here goes.

one week ago today, we kaleos packed up, woke up and rolled out of campus to head to the harbour in victoria, to head on our SALTS trip. i'm going to be honest, i wasn't expecting a tonne from this trip - essentially five days on a tall ship with no showers and no privacy and no facebook or itunes. sure, i figured it'd be fun, that it'd be a cool experience, but i had no idea how sweet it would be. from the moment i stepped onboard the pacific grace, i was amazed at the ship's crew... perhaps some of the most Christlike people i have ever met. we were divided into three different watch groups; i was in port watch, which became known as "team pan-pan" (due to some near-capsizing experiences on our lifeboat). throughout the week, we'd have shifts being on watch and steering the boat and listening for distress calls on the radio, which might sound like a lot of work but it was pretty much the most chill time ever. the only real difficult task was night watch, where two people would be on-deck at all times throughout the night, making sure that we didn't drift into rocks or get attacked by pirates, etc. we'd all have one-hour shifts, and i usually scored some time between 2 and 4 a.m., but it was pretty valuable time once we'd drag ourselves out of bed. it turned into really rad bonding time for some of us... which is, i suppose, what the whole week was. by the end of the week, it became clear just how much our community is building and how big our story's arc is shaping up to be.

after getting back from SALTS, i had about 20 minutes to shower and get ready for youth group, and was almost wishing i had more time to rest between but i'm so glad i went. the heart of these youth really reminds me of that of my own youth group - the youth decided (and it was entirely their idea) to hold a thanksgiving banquet for the community around, and so the basement was packed with people of all walks of life - none churchgoers, but all full of joy and fantastic turkey. and the youth loved it, they were so excited afterwards. it was phenomenal.

after that, i went back to pacific woods lodge, slept (finally), and first thing in the morning me and my fellow kaleos jeremy and nate took off to pender island, which actually meant we headed to saltspring island and hitch-hiked from one side to the other. it was really sweet, saltspring has a cool vibe. after spending the night and following morning at nate's grandparents' house, we ended up coming to victoria due to ferry issues with the holiday monday and such, and stayed at my good friend lauren's house, and meeting up with old friends.

and through this has come one of the coolest blessings ever: lauren's mom is really into photography, and has a whole bunch of cameras, and for a while i've been scoping out slr's. so it turns out lauren's mom had someone give her a really sweet film slr camera, for someone who really wants it, and (i can hardly believe this) i get to try it out for the next little bit! i don't know how long i'll have it for, when she wants it back, etc, but i'm excited to have it at least for a bit.

and stoked on the week/month/year ahead!

form.

hey friends. so it's almost 3 weeks into kaleo at this point, and things are so hectic, it's ridic! but cool.

this past week we had our first course: spiritual formations with marv penner. it was a really sweet week of looking into how culture views our spirituality and how that differs from how Christ designed our spirituality, we looked at different spiritual disciplines - a lot of which were straightforward but an equal amount are largely overlooked or go undiscussed. it was cool to see the conversations that the classes inspired; the great stuff it gave us to mull over, and bounce ideas around about. we ended the course with a final, but not your typical final; we just got to head off and spend 2 and a half hours on our own with God. i'm gonna be honest, i had no idea what to expect, but i came with my bible, camper profiles, and a large list of people to pray for, as well as a journal and portfolio, so i was sure to be prepared. what ended up happening was pretty sweet: as the time went on, and i prayed for people and situations i've long left unprocessed, things became a lot more conversational between me and Him. it was really, really rad. we ended things with communion down on the dock which was incredible.

as for my ministry at st andrews, the youth group is so rad. it's been so cool to hang out with these youth the last couple of weeks, hear where they're coming from and just things going on in their life. we went to the corn maze this last friday and it was pretty sweet to see the youth group in full (a lot of them had been away with their school in earlier weeks) and be welcomed in.

tomorrow we head to SALTS, so we'll be sailing around the island & surrounding area in a pirate ship-looking thing. i'm pretty stoked! there'll be lots of photos, i'm sure.

if you could please just be praying for the ministries we're involved in here, for safety (but still adventure... so maybe some near-danger) for this trip ahead, and for more walls to be coming down with our group. i'm realizing that i really need to open up more; i've been really guarded... sooo pray for that please.

peace out, love ya guys.

brand new eyes.

third-best moment of my day? getting razzle gum in the mail. so good, it should be currency.

second-best moment of my day? finding out that paramore put their entire new album, brand new eyes, on their myspace, even though their album isn't out until tuesday. it's phenomenal. i'm so excited to get the boxed set in the mail, with the lyrics and vinyl and dvd and book and stuff.

first-best moment of my day? chapel today. absolutely phenomenal. i was mulling over a quote last night, about how we were created to be loved and have our stories known and just be known in general, to live in relationships... and i was thinking how strange yet opportune it is that for the first time in as long as i can remember i'm set in a brand-new location with brand-new people and building relationships more or less from scratch. today, we had our chapel in the fireside lounge for the first time... with those times, i think, the focus will be more on us as a community, and less of a service... more of a conversation. it was incredible; jim talked to us about how generally we present prayer requests in groups, almost preparing them to be suitable requests for God, then we invite Him into the room and pray for a few minutes on something we discussed for a far greater amount of time than we did pray for it. so today, everything we did was prayer. every request we presented and all the encouragement and of course all of the prayer and scripture we offered in response was all put forth with the awareness that God is as present as any of us... and it was really cool to see the burdens being lifted, the journeys that have started to begin... last night i scrawled in my journal: "i want this journey to begin, for me, my heart, and all of us and our hearts." i don't know what sort of journey God has for me specifically this year, but i know that it's begun for some of us individually, as well as our journey as a group.

i think we're standing on the edge of something big.

hey friends! so i'm sitting in room 211 of pacific woods lodge at qwanoes, at almost midnight on day 3 of kaleo seven. i'm extremely blessed to be able to be a part of this program - a partnership between camp qwanoes and briercrest college - and couldn't possibly be having a better time. there are 28 students in the program, and together over the next eight months we'll be studying, going on adventures and coming alongside one another, forming a community and getting to know each other really well. kinda goes without saying that i'm stoked!

it's only three days in and there's so much to tell, and not a lot of time to tell it; i never thought it was possible to be so busy so quickly, but i'm pretty much swamped with things to do. they're all more or less really cool things, but it's getting a bit hectic.

so i'll give you the rundown. i'm living in room 211, as i said, with three other dudes for the year. we're all within a year or so of each other as far as age goes. i'm rooming with a dude named john from white rock, trent from alberta, and jeremy from orangeville, ontario. actually, jeremy and myself did cit at qwanoes the same summer, but were in different groups, so it's cool to have someone i kinda know but have lots of room to get tight with throughout the year still. it's been really great so far, it's a great group of guys for the room, as well as a really great kaleo group over all. i've been really surprised (in a great way) at the conversations some of us have been having right off the start, and am really excited to get to know all these folks real well over the next year.

we're currently doing work in prep for our first course, spiritual formations, which is taught by marv penner, a youth worker/professor/counsellor/writer/super-hero who spoke at qwanoes staff training last year, and i am very much a fan of his, and so stoked for his class.

we've also picked the churches we'll be serving at for the next year, and met with the pastors today. i'll be at a church called st. andrews, and it's the first year that kaleo will be working with them, and i'm so flipping excited. we met with the youth pastor today, and he told us that the three of us (jessica, nick, and myself) will be joining a team of only two other youth leaders for this year, and with a youth group of around 30 kids, it'll be a far cry from what i'm used to as far as size goes. i'm really excited though, because i have heard incredible things about the community there, and the youth who go there and their leadership potential... this description reminds me a lot of coquitlam alliance's youth group back home. i was talking to jim, today, the kaleo leader, and he was telling me the history of duncan, the city (town?) that neighbours us here in crofton and is where st andrews is located... there is such a dark history, full of evil and hatred between the caucasians/hudsons bay company and the first nations people. i am appauled at the horrible things that the settlers did in the very area i'll be serving, and am shocked at how little i've known about this in the years i've been coming to camp. with a first nations population of 20-30% this is an extremely relevant issue and as disgusted as i am by what's gone down i'm glad to be more knowledgeable and better equipped to serve God and fight for truth in this town.

our first trip is also in two days! we'll be hiking up mount albert-edwards, which is a three-day journey, and one that promises to bring us closer as a community. i don't know much except that i'm really excited.

prayer requests for you, my friends, would be for my energy and time-management, first and foremost. i've got a lot of reading and writing to do before spiritual formations starts, as well as personal reading - and my own devo's! which i don't want to allow to suffer, but days have never felt shorter. another prayer request would be all of our group's safety on the trip ahead and really cool opportunities to bond on this journey. prayer that i will find where God wants me at st. andrew's, and that i would be able to pour myself out for the sake of the gospel in these kids' lives. also, praise Him that i already feel really tight with a number of the students here, please pray that this continues and we can grow close and reflect Christ in our community here, made up of so many people from so many different backgrounds with so many stories. and of course, praise Him for this opportunity! i cannot believe that i am here, and i don't want to take a moment of it for granted. i am blessed more than i can realize or acknowledge.

some paint/laundry detergent antics we had on the first night.

riding around a shopping cart in wal-mart... regular college-student behaviour?

what remained after the first night.

myself and bitty, after hitting up wal-mart for some last minute hiking stuff.