resolution of a lighter heart.

The 2000’s were a weird decade, hey? It’s strange to think I was in third grade when this ‘new millennium’ rolled up. I think my expectations were probably more along the lines of flying cars and robot assistants than 9/11, swine flu, twitter and facebook, but what are you gonna do? This last decade may not go down as an wonderful one, but it hasn’t been without it’s silver linings. However, I was too busy being an adolescent to see most of them, so all I can hope for is a clearer head with which to summarize these next ten years, come december 30th, 2019.

In the words of jamie tworkowski, “2010 has never happened before”. At this, my apprehension/nerves/worry about the next year faces gets tackled by the simple hope found in those words. To be honest, I’ve been stuck in one of those moments where you realize that things are going stupid-fast and the only thing not moving is you. Or something. I don’t know. It’s just been messy. And I’ve felt despair and dread creep in, even in regards to things that should bring me joy. The transparency that I’ve been straining towards has clashed with this new and large temptation to become reclusive and guarded and shut-off. But 2010 has never happened before, and my prayer is that it will be full of victory that’s never happened before either.

Strangely enough, after I head back to Kaleo tomorrow, I won’t be coming back to this house again. My family will be moving in about a month, so I’ve spent all night tonight going through boxes and throwing things out. One thing I found was a letter I had to write to myself back at the start of grade 10 for planning class, and I couldn’t read it all. While the large majority of the content could not be less relevant to me right now, the first two lines succinctly (and hearbreakingly) made clear that while for the most part it was a letter from a different person to a different person, there are some things that from that day never loosened their grip on me, and it wasn’t until this year that I really began to fight against footholds. I’m really hoping that 2010 will see me surrendering whatever I have to, tackling whatever I have to, to see victory in these things, to see the saint resurrected from within the wretch... To “forget and not slow down.”

“Peace be with you,”

Hope be with you.

Matthew.

merry Christmas, here's to many more.

And so this Christmas, I'll compare the things I felt in prior years
to what this midnight made so clear - that You have come to meet me here.

To look back and think that this baby would one day save me
In the hope that what You did,
That you were born so I might live
To look back and think that this baby would one day save me

And I, I celebrate the day that You were born to die so I could one day pray for You to save my life.

“I Celebrate the Day” by Relient K

i'm aiming for home.

“What are you waiting for? The day is gone.”
I said, “I’m waiting for dawn.”
“What are you aiming for, out here alone?”
I said, “I’m aiming for Home.”

Holding on, holding on with red eyes.
What are you looking for, with red eyes?

All of my days are spent within this skin,
Within this cage that I’m in.
Nowhere feels safe to me, nowhere feels home;
Even in crowds, I’m alone.

Every now and then I see you dreaming,
every now and then I see you cry.
Every now and then I see you reaching,
reaching for the other side.
What are you waiting for?

(In this needle and haystack life, I found miracles there in Your eyes.
We are once in a lifetime.)

    - Switchfoot, “Red Eyes”

surrender, heal, change, submit, open, remain, live, move, see, calm... breathe.

the song "breathe" by anberlin has quickly become my prayer for this year, and for my life. i first heard it back after we hiked mount albert-edwards, and it talked of freedom and surrender and hope and i didn't connect with it, probably because i wasn't feeling those things on that trip, or in the time following. but i've been feeling them now, tasting them now. the part of me that has yet to feel this, that still feels stuck, is restless and would greatly appreciate your prayers. things for me aren't quite as resolved as they are for whoever wrote this song, but i've been glimpsing resolution and desire it with everything i've got in me. please be praying for these things, for this freedom and surrender, that the civil war in my heart would be replaced with peace, and that true revolution could occur. above all, that i wouldn't be hiding things anymore (i've gotten so much better at this lately, but it's an awkward and uncomfortable thing and before i know it i'm varying back and forth from transparent to guarded again), and that i could breathe and find such freedom in Him. maybe these blogs have gotten more personal lately but maybe that's part of not hiding things anymore.

this is surrender to a war-torn life i've lived. scars and stripes, forever in need of change i can't resist.

no need to hide anything anymore; can't return to who i was before.

i can finally breathe, suddenly alive. i can finally move, the world feels revived.

this long of a struggle finally opened up my eyes. revolution's not easy with a civil war on the inside.

no need to hide anything anymore; i can't return to who i was before.

leap.

There's one to check off the bucket list - and then do again! Bungee jumping today with Kaleo, so rad. So good. I'm loving pretty much everything going on these past few days, but maybe not looking forward to all the paper/work that needs to be done this week... and feeling really weird about the semester ending and saying goodbyes come friday. Stoked for the break and travelling and stuff, but still crazy to think it'll have been half a semester already. Father, let this time be so crucial, let us come back with new perspective and reignited enthusiasm to embrace all the opportunity you've laid before us as community and as individuals for this year

these things will CHANGE.

amidst pages filled primarily with prayers of new-found gratitude and repeated requests, something different has emerged in my journals: prayers of promise. prayers of newfound peace for current (seemingly constant) struggles, and prayers of anticipation for things yet to come. i'm celebrating things that haven't even happened yet - what a shift, from feeling hopeless and defeated to being eager and thankful for a freedom i haven't even experienced yet.

not only that, i got a tangible glimpse of that today. my mind is blown. oh man. oh man. please pray.

please, Father, keep my eyes on the freedom you set before us. thank you that you are faithful even when i am faithless. please, continue to blow my mind and lift weights i felt must permanently be burdensome, exempt from your promises for freedom. but they're not, and you are good and your promises are the only ones i can put my full trust in. please help me continue to walk in a trust of you and an awareness that you are loosening my chains. let me throw off all that hinders, and please let me see the days of freedom you've given me glimpses of, realized. be my everything, be my rescuer.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

we've got just over a week left in the semester, and things are heavy. we've had just over eleven weeks in this place so far, and things are light. it's a weird place to be in. my heart is heavy and light.

this last week, we had foundations of church ministry course with professor david ernst. i thought old testament lit had claimed the spot of top course in my books, but this one overtook it. this is actually the course i sat in on for a bit last year, though a different prof, but it still took the cake. it was such a good environment to have discussions on issues so relevant to any and all followers of Christ - and the point that we are all in full-time ministry, whether vocational or not, was the overall theme of the course. i loved it, a lot, and it continued to add to the burden God's given me for those in the emerging generation who've been hurt by people calling themselves "Christians", not even so much for the fact that they've been hurt by the church but just for the fact that i'm realizing more and more how hurt this world is, how hurt this generation is, and how desperate a need there is for Truth to be spoken into these situations, to be fought for in these hearts. at times it seems like such an uphill battle, but it is one that needs to be fought. as this is all going on, i keep coming back to the idea of interning with twloha next summer, and getting so eager and so stoked on it. i really think that could be where i'm called to be next summer, and while i don't know what that will mean for school in the fall, i don't know that i can pass up this opportunity. this isn't exactly connected to the course this past week, but certainly related to the whole topic of the emerging generation and meeting people where they're at.

this week was also my last week at st. andrews for the semester. i'm going to be honest, i've been really frustrated going there each week. i had so much anticipation for being involved in the youth group at the start of the semester, and i think i figured i'd just click in and that it would come easily. it hasn't. i'd go each week and feel more and more frustrated with the lack of connections i was making with the youth, etcetera... but things are changing! it actually started with a letter from my good friend tessa that encouraged me enormously about all of this, and convicted me as well to be praying a lot more about all of this, and praying for God to do big things in the church, specifically the youth. and he is! i don't know how much is appropriate to write in a blog when it comes to stuff with kids at youth, but God's at work, bringing walls down. i'm so excited for what's to come.

now, as for that heart of mine. i'm not sure what's up guys. so much is going on at once... i'll start with the rad stuff. we've got the canadian youth worker's convention tomorrow in vancouver, and i'm so stoked. we've been looking ahead to christmas break and talking about what we can do to support one another, to look out for one another and to be praying for one another, and i think there's going to be some big (and different) type of growth going on during that time. and i'm going to ontario for christmas break! i'm going to be couch-surfing the toronto area (i think - i don't know any ontario geography) with fellow kaleos ... so stoked! it's gonna be sick. i'm stoked for continued bonding over the next few weeks and over christmas break.

now for the heavy... first and foremost, i would like to ask for prayer for my grandfather, who was just diagnosed with cancer. he's one of the most incredible people i know, and i love him so much - i can't really grasp this. please just pray for healing, and that God would work through this in ways that i couldn't be bold enough to ask for. i suppose all the heavy stuff can be surmised with that request: that in situations that i can't understand or in struggles i feel hopeless in, to pray for things bigger than i can fathom, to dream bigger things than i know how to dream. i've realized lately that my hope is so limited, so slight compared to the hope that He offers, and i'm just hoping and praying that my unbelief or my inadequacy in boldly requesting big things will in no way limit what he does, that he would - in an act of grace - blow my mind and set me free.